Diary of an Algolagnist
N. K.
9781465611079
311 pages
Library of Alexandria
Overview
My parents were opposite elements : my father, strong, coarse, brutal, egotistic, material to excess; my mother, suffering, delicate, sensitive, ethereal. From such a cross, a masochistic character must necessarily be produced. My father brought me up with storms, chastisements, and fear; my mother counteracted all this with caresses, kisses, and tears.... I trembled with secret anxiety and exulted inwardly at the same moment when my father stretched me across his knees. As soon as the punishment was over, he immediately proceeded to box someone's ears anyone's, a footman's, a maid's, anyone's. I ran with a smarting posterior to my mother. By her first my injuries were inspected, then I was cried over, embraced, kissed, and finally laughed at and with. This scene repeated itself at irregular intervals. To these years belong my first memory of the masochistic principle of life. This was based upon the following observations: All my companions, boys and girls alike, endeavoured to play tricks on one another; to tell tales of one another to their parents, tales true and false ; in every way to cause suffering, in order then, by redoubled love, to make all right again. On the other hand, I noticed that no child loved another unless it was tormented by that other. Those who did not torment one another were mutually indifferent. This mutual tormenting and being tormented must therefore, in the nature of things, produce a certain charm, gives rise to a pleasure. This pleasure consisted in increasing, mentally realizing, sympathizing with, the pain of another. This is not sadism generally speaking, sadism does not exist it is only refined masochism; for we prepare pains in order to sympathize with them that is, in order that we may free ourselves.
